The Clarkson Review: 2018 Lamborghini Huracan Performante

WE ARE used these days to cars that beep and bong constantly. They bong when you open the door, bong when you don’t immediately fasten your seatbelt, bong if you put a shopping bag on the passenger seat, bong if you try to start the engine without depressing the clutch first, bong if they think you’re going to bump into a lamppost, bong if you forget to turn the lights off or even if you leave your telephone in the glove box. Some even bong if you’ve nodded off.

But when it comes to making irritating noises all the bloody time, for no bloody reason, nothing gets close to the Lamborghini Huracan Performante. Bong it went when I set off on a chilly London morning. This was because its TSU was malfunctioning. I had no clue what its TSU was but it malfunctioned again moments later, with another bong to alert me of the fact. And then, after a minute or so, it did it again. This might have been bearable had it been regular but it had all the rhythmic timing of a bored dog.

So I called Lamborghini, which said it was a preproduction car and that its telemetry wasn’t installed properly. So I took it to a dealer, which applied a laptop and said that the bonging would now stop.

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Bong, it said on the way back to the office. Once again, I reached for my spectacles to see what was wrong this time. And, according to a small message on the arcade-game electronic dash, something called the MMI had become disabled. For acronyms, this thing was worse than the British Army.

However, since the disablement of the mysterious MMI — it turned out to be the multimedia interface — was making no difference to my progress and there’d only been the one bong, I figured I could live with it.

That afternoon I left London for the country and as I joined the M25 the car bonged again. Once again, I reached for my glasses so I could read the message, which this time said that I should switch off the engine and check the oil level. It was 6pm and I was on the M25 and it was drizzling, so I figured it could wait until the next services.

As I slowed for the slip road to the next services, the warning light went out. It had obviously decided that there was, after all, enough oil in the engine, so I speeded up and 10 minutes later there was a bong to say the oil level was low and I should stop. Which I didn’t. I was too busy trying to turn on the sat nav, which wasn’t working, or get information about traffic. But that system wasn’t working either. And then the oil warning light went out again. And all was well.

Except, it wasn’t. Because by this stage I was trying to find the windscreen wiper switch. Foolishly, Lamborghini has taken a leaf out of Ferrari’s book and mounted it on the steering wheel along with the switches for every other damn thing. So each time you want to turn on the wipers you end up listening to Classic FM with your left indicator blinking.

It gets worse when you are in the countryside and you need full-beam lighting because you push the button and when you let go, the full beam goes out. So you push it again, except at this point you’re going round a corner so now you’ve turned off the wipers.

In desperation, I fumbled away at the switches by my right knee until eventually all the lights went out. So now I’m doing 50mph, it’s raining and dark and neither the lights nor the wipers are on.

“This thing is idiotically fast. In a straight line it will leave a Ferrari 458 Special Needs for dead”

Shortly after sorting all this out — by swearing — I came up behind an Audi that was being driven by a headrest, with ears, at 35mph. I desperately needed to get home by 7pm so I put the Huracan in Corsa, or Race, mode, which caused the dash to become one huge rev counter, and when we encountered a short straight I put my foot down.

Well, I’ve never heard a noise like it. Plainly, the engine had decided it was bereft of oil, after all, and had exploded. In a panic, I abandoned the overtaking move and took my foot off the accelerator. And then I realised that, no, that’s just the noise a Huracan makes when you poke it with a stick.

I finally managed to overtake the Audi but by then it was too late. I’d missed the 7pm deadline and The Archers had started. But in the Lambo that was OK because this car is so loud you can’t hear anything at all. Ever again.

The sound starts off as a jackhammer and then when you floor it, you have babies crying, improvised explosive devices going off, Krakatoa, the Grateful Dead, a space shuttle rocket test, white noise, a latter-day V10 Formula One car at full chat, a squadron of F-15 Eagles on combat power, some lions, a hunt ball and a war. All going on in your car. At the same time.

What’s extraordinary is that it’s not a big car. Yes, it’s festooned with weird spoilers at the back and a snouty nose at the front. And my test car was a flat orange. But it’s not big. Which is what makes the sound it makes faintly ludicrous.

However, as I used the sound to drown out The Archers on that final few miles dash home, I’m afraid I fell head over heels in love. This is a wonderful car. A brilliant car. An absolute gem.

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Lambo says that because it has developed a new way of making carbon fibre, it can use it to make small intricate parts, which means the Performante is lighter than you’d expect. Which it isn’t. At nearly 1.4 tons, it’s still a fatty. And it still has a cumbersome four-wheel-drive system, and the 5.2-litre V10 — the last of the breed, almost certainly — is broadly the same as the engine you get in the standard car.

Somehow, though, this thing is idiotically fast. In a straight line it will leave a Ferrari 458 Special Needs for dead. And around the Nürburgring, it’s faster than any of the million-quid hypercars. You won’t believe this — very few test drivers that witnessed it did — but it went round in six minutes and 52 seconds.

And it’s not just fast. It’s exciting. It may be making the sound of a universe forming and your head may be pinned back against the headrest but you can still feel it blowing gently on the hairs on your arms. This is a car that roars and purrs at the same time. It’s like an Italian tomato — little and bright and so full of taste sensations it makes your eyes go crossed.

Yes, it’s also annoying. My preproduction test model was easily the most irritating vehicle I’ve driven but that’s part of the charm too. That’s what makes this car feel human. That’s what gives it a soul. And that’s what turns a good car into a great one.

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Head to head: Lamborghini Huracan Performante vs Ferrari 488 GTB vs Porsche 911 GT2 RS vs McLaren 720S

Lamborghini Huracan Performante	Ferrari 488 GTB	Porsche 911 GT2 RS	McLaren 720S
When Richard Hammond reviewed the original Huracan on Top Gear in 2015 he said it was too tame. Perhaps that’s what spurred the company to produce the Performante, which he is far more enthusiastic about in his upcoming test for The Grand Tour. As well as containing lots of new aluminium and carbon fibre (Hammond and the car), the engine is up by 28bhp to 630bhp.	“Luigi follow only the Ferraris,” says the garage proprietor in the film Cars. For some, there’s only one Italian supercar and it’s the one with the prancing horse badge. The 488 GTB is seriously impressive and a reminder of how to build a car that’s not just fast but sends tingles down your spine every time you drive it. There is a more potent version of the 488 in the pipeline too.	Porsche has had plenty of practice at building 911s that will stand a driver’s hair on end. The latest, fastest model yet is the GT2 RS. At 1,545kg, it may seem a tad heavy but on the road it is mind-bogglingly fast. The contrast between Porsche and Lamborghini can appear as stark as bratwurst and bolognese — until you remember they share the same VW parent company.	After a shaky start, McLaren is proving a worthy British contender for pole position in the 200mph-plus club. The latest 720S does without the four-wheel drive of the Lamborghini, but that doesn’t seem to slow it down any. Comparisons with the Huracan Performante have shown the McLaren to be faster in a straight line. On a curvy track, however…
Price £215,000	Price £183,984	Price £207,506	Price £208,600
Power 630bhp	Power 660bhp	Power 691bhp	Power 710bhp
0-62mph 2.9sec	0-62mph 3.0sec	0-62mph 2.8sec	0-62mph 2.9sec
Top speed 202mph	Top speed 205mph	Top speed 211mph	Top speed 212mph

Write to us at driving@sunday-times.co.uk, or Driving, The Sunday Times, 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF

 

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The Clarkson Review: 2017 Honda Civic Type R

FIFTEEN years ago, when it became obvious economies of scale would cause all the small car makers to be swallowed up by the giants, I figured that in the fullness of time, only two of the then current crop would remain: Mercedes-Benz and Honda.

These were the only two that actually moved the game forward. While the rest were fitting their cars with gimmicky head-up displays to lure bored flies into their web of finance deals, Honda and Mercedes were innovating, working with hydrogen propulsion and dreaming up stuff that would make a difference. And I reckoned that ultimately this was what would keep them going in a world where big was good and bigger was better and China was the biggest of them all.

But then it looked as if Honda had just given up. It stopped making interesting, revvy little hatchbacks and exciting coupés, and intoxicating mid-engined supercars and . . . er, this is awkward, I can’t actually remember what it did instead.

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I seem to recall there was a little off-roader that had a completely stupid shower in the back, and my mother at this stage bought a small Jazz because it was available in pink. But then it stopped that colour so she replaced it with a Volkswagen Golf.

After this, I really haven’t a clue. I drove fairly regularly past Honda’s giant plant in Swindon and I could see much activity but what they were making in there? Sorry. No idea. Nothing I’d want, that’s for sure. And if you’re reading the motoring pages of The Sunday Times, I guess it’s nothing you’d want either.

There was talk of Honda’s best engineers working on a replacement for the much-loved NSX but every time I called to ask how it was getting along with what sounded like quite a clever hybrid drive system, I got a lot of “ers” and “ums”, and some waffle about how the engineers were in California “benchmarking” the Chevrolet Corvette. And some beaches probably.

“This is a wonderful car to drive hard … it changes direction like an electrocuted swallow”

Eventually the new NSX arrived in the showrooms but it caused as much of a stir as the company’s efforts in Formula One. It’s not a bad car by any means, but it doesn’t make you go: “Wow.” You don’t take a drive and think: “God, I’ve got to have one of those.”

And Honda took such a ridiculously long time developing a hot and interesting version of the Civic that by the time it came out, the company was already winding down production of the car on which it was based. So it arrived in the marketplace and before the echo of the fanfare had died down, it had been dropped.

Happily, the manufacturer has been a bit quicker off the mark with the hot version of the new Civic. And yet despite the rush job, it’s like the Honda of old is back because it has created something a bit special.

The 2-litre turbocharged engine is said to be largely unchanged from the previous model but whatever small alterations Honda has made have transformed it into a big, comforting muscle. You find yourself pressing the throttle gently just to experience the beginning of a shove. It’s like limbering up for an arm-wrestle with a man who builds oil rigs. You haven’t felt the power yet, but you know pretty soon you’re going to have a dislocated shoulder.

Hot hatch battle: Focus RS vs Civic Type R vs M140i vs RS 3 vs Golf R vs AMG A 45

However, it’s not the shove or the speed that impresses most with the Type R. It’s the chassis. There’s a wider track than on the last incarnation and a stiffer superstructure. And that sounds as if you’re in for more grip, if you can tolerate the bone-shaking ride. Nope. What you get is phenomenal grip and a ride that’s actually quite absorbent. It’s not a Labrador puppy, obviously, but it won’t shake out your fillings either.

This is a wonderful car to drive hard. Yes, it’s a bit of a fatty but you’re never really aware of the weight because it changes direction like an electrocuted swallow. Couple that to the 315 rampaging horsepowers, the 295 torques and the bark from a weird triple exhaust system and there’s no doubt Honda is back with a car that’s extremely good fun.

Is it as much fun as the Ford Fiesta ST? No, it isn’t. I know of no car that is more fun on an ordinary road than the Fiesta. What’s more, the Ford is little and the Honda isn’t and that matters. The point of a hot hatchback — and the reason I love them so very much — is they are fast and fun and brilliant to drive but when all is said and done, they are also hatchbacks. So they are practical and sensible and cheap to mend as well.

“We’re told all its winglets and spoilers are there for a reason and I think I know what the reason is: to tell your neighbours you are very fond of football violence and shoplifting”

The original Golf GTI — arguably the first of the breed — played a big part in putting MG out of business because here was a car that was more of a laugh than the little sports car but which could also take a family of five and their luggage to the seaside. It was the Seventies, remember. People went to the seaside then.

And that’s where the Honda keeps on scoring because although it’s a rampaging Nürburgring meister, it also has five doors and a large boot and fold-down rear seats. You don’t get any of that in a Lamborghini.

What’s more, it comes as standard with 20in wheels and a reversing camera and a (fiddly) sat nav system and so on. Prices start at £30,995, which is surprisingly low. So that’s good, as is the fuel economy, as is the depreciation. The insurance won’t be funny, I’ll grant you, but that aside, this will be an inexpensive car to run.

So there we are, the perfect hot hatch; fast, fun, frugal and fitted with five doors for a family of . . . God, I hate alliteration.

And I also hate the Type R because just look at it. Have you ever seen anything so wilfully yobbish? We’re told all its winglets and spoilers are there for a reason and I think I know what the reason is: to tell your neighbours you are very fond of football violence and shoplifting. And you have a knife.

I know a guardsman who is thinking of getting a Type R and I just know that if he does, he will wear his bearskin back to front.

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I was embarrassed to drive it. Yes, a number of people pointed, made enthusiastic noises and took photographs, but a far larger number pointed for different reasons. You could see them thinking: “How small does your penis have to be before you’d buy a car like that?”

There’s a similar problem of course with the Ford Focus RS and Mercedes-AMG A 45. Neither is as in yer face as the Honda but they both wear their street-fighting credentials on the outside. Maybe this doesn’t bother you. Maybe you quite like to stir things up. But if you don’t, buy a VW Golf R. It’s not as much fun as the Honda and it isn’t as fast at top speed. But you will look less of a knob.

Head to head: Honda Civic Type R vs Ford Focus RS

	Honda Civic Type R GT	Ford Focus RS
Price	£32,995	£32,265
Power	315bhp	316bhp
0-62mph	5.8sec	4.7sec
Weight	1,380kg	1,547kg

 

Write to us at driving@sunday-times.co.uk, or Driving, The Sunday Times, 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF

 

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Extended test: 2017 Toyota Auris Hybrid Touring Sports

The Driving team has been testing the three types of car with electric power: a Toyota Auris Touring (hybrid, below), a Volkswagen Golf GTE (plug-in hybrid) and a Renault Zoe (pure-electric). Which will prove the most practical solution during the winter months for three full-time workers with young families?

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Specifications

• Model 2017 Toyota Auris Hybrid Excel Touring Sports
• Motor 1,798cc four-cylinder petrol
• Power 91bhp @ 5,200rpm
• Torque 105lb ft @ 4,000rpm
• Electric motor power 80bhp (60kW)
• Electric motor torque 153Ib ft
• Maximum combined power 134bhp
• Top speed (NEDC lab test) 112mph
• 0-62mph 0-62mph 13.5sec
• Fuel consumption 70.6mpg
• CO2 emissions 92g/km
• Road tax£110 for first year; £130 a year for next five years
• Benefit in kind tax 17%; £909 or £1,818 (2017/2018; 20% or 40% tax payer)
• Price from £26,905
• Price with options£28,950
• Options fitted Leather seats (£950); Metallic paint – white pearl (£545); Panoramic roof (£550)

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Test details

• Test period November, 2017 to April, 2018
• Starting mileage 1,374 miles

Updates

• November 29, 2017: Introducing the Auris Hybrid

 

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November 29, 2017: Introducing the Auris Hybrid

You know that feeling when a friend says, with a certain degree of smugness, “Hate to say I told you so”? Well, that friend is Toyota. And while it may seem hard to believe, it has been warning of the perils of diesel for two decades.

In 1997, Toyota launched the Prius. It was the first petrol-electric hybrid car to be built and sold in meaningful numbers. Then, ‘meaningful’ meant 1,000 a month.

Its mission was to persuade more motorists to adopt ‘clean’ hybrid technology. The company claimed that its emissions of hydrocarbons, carbon monoxide and nitrogen oxide were just 10% of the levels demanded by Japanese regulations. Its CO2 emissions were also said to be significantly reduced compared with conventional petrol cars.

The Japanese car maker waxed lyrical about its creation: “Engineers closed their eyes and imagined a car that would change everything. It would do less harm to the environment by significantly reducing noise and emissions, and would maximise fuel economy beyond that of most vehicles. Now Toyota has realised that vision and you can park the future in your driveway.”

Today, my driveway has a Toyota Auris parked on it. It uses the same sort of hybrid powertrain that the Prius introduced, 20 years ago.

The original idea behind a ‘green’ hybrid system still stands today; namely, that it should be no different to driving a conventional car with an automatic gearbox.

That means it asks nothing different of the driver. So there’s no need for anyone to get their hands dirty, and plug cables into power sockets at home or public charging points.

Instead, the car’s petrol engine and electric motor work in harmony, and onboard technologies, such as regenerative braking, help keep the electric motor’s battery charged at all times. All you have to do is fill it with petrol from time to time.

Because it isn’t a diesel, it is increasingly seen as a socially acceptable everyday family car. And the road tax and company car tax are competitive. All of which partly explains why 10 million of drivers have bought a hybrid Toyota.

The leap from 12,000 sales in that first year, to more than 10 million today, suggests Toyota’s engineers had the clearest glimpse of the future of any car company.

The Auris Hybrid Touring Sports is Toyota’s equivalent to diesel-powered versions of the Ford Focus estate, Kia cee’d Sportswagon and Volkswagen Golf estate. It’s built in Britain, at Toyota’s plant in Burnaston, Derby, and costs from £22,085 with hybrid power.

This one on extended test comes in top-of-the-range Excel trim, which lifts the price to £26,905. With optional leather seats, metallic paint (white pearl) and a panoramic glass roof (which doesn’t open) the cost ends up at £28,950. In its first year of road tax, this hybrid costs £110, then £130 a year for the following five.

The serious savings start if you’re a company car driver. This Auris Hybrid attracts benefit in kind tax of 17%, versus 25% for the broadly equivalent VW Golf estate 2.0 TDI GT 150 DSG. It means a 40% tax payer would have to hand over £1,818 for the Toyota, during the 2017/2018 tax year, whereas the VW would be £2,714.

At such an early stage of proceedings, there’s little point looking into the real-world fuel economy of the hybrid system. Toyota promises a combined economy figure of 70mpg, but it will take some practice to get it anywhere near that. We live in the Kentish countryside, and the twisting, rolling nature of local roads is going to test to the limit this car’s ability to make fuel go as far as possible.

First impressions are of a very quiet car that has steering and suspension tuned for comfort. Performance is best described as lethargic. The petrol tank is on the small side (just 45 litres; a Golf diesel estate holds 50 litres), but perhaps this is in order to create the vast, 675-litre boot – which shames plenty of estate cars from the class above. Rest assured, it will be put to good use; with three children and two dogs, this estate car will be worked hard.

Aside from the real-world fuel economy and associated running costs, the burning question for many drivers is whether Toyota’s hybrid system is as easy to live with and nice to drive as a diesel-powered family car.

I’ll be answering that, and more besides, in further updates on this page.

Want to ask a question? Contact me via Twitter: 

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ICONS: 2018 Bugatti Chiron

ICONS: Nothing Like You’ve Ever Seen

2018 Bugatti Chiron

Pushing the automotive performance envelope to the very edge, today’s current crop of hypercars has been like nothing the world has ever seen. Combining state-of-the-art technology, relentless performance, brilliant engineering, and stunning design, these are the stars of every kid’s Instagram today, just as the Countach and the Testarossa were the bedroom wall posters for kids growing up in the 1980s.

2016 Ferrari F12tdf

RM Sotheby’s ICONS auction plays host to a truly impressive assortment of 21st-century hypercars from Italy, Germany, and France. Highlighted by what is perhaps the most anticipated new car of the 2017 model year, the Bugatti Chiron takes everything that the incredible Veyron did one step further, creating an automotive experience like none other. RM Sotheby’s example has less than 300 miles on its odometer (only test miles), has yet to be registered for the road, and is ready and waiting for its very first owner.

2014 Ferrari LaFerrari

Of similar ilk, both offerings from Maranello, the F12tdf and the LaFerrari, are also delivery-mileage examples. Presented in virtually as-new condition, both cars represent the pinnacle of Ferrari performance available today and together, make for perhaps the greatest two-car garage one could imagine. While the LaFerrari is presented in traditional Rosso Corsa over a Nero Alcantara interior, the F12tdf is finished in a seldom-seen shade of Ferrari red—Rosso Dino—allowing it to stand out from the crowd.

2014 Pagani Huayra

Inspired by Leonardo da Vinci, Horacio Pagani’s Huayra combines truly exceptional Italian build quality with German-bred performance, courtesy of AMG. One of 100 Huayra Coupes built, it is offered from single private ownership and has been driven just 4,943 miles from new. Another car known to be a favorite of Mr. Pagani, an exceptional Porsche 918 ‘Weissach’ Spyder is also on offer. A single-owner example with a paltry 270 miles on its odometer, it boasts a factory Matte Black wrap with Martini livery, a truly sinister color combination that will only solicit the most favorable of compliments wherever it goes.

2004 Porsche Carrera GT

An earlier performance road car joining the “never seen together” line-up of hypercars is the 2004 Porsche Carrera GT. Affectionately known in Porsche circles as the “Silver Unicorn,” the example headed to the ICONS sale remains on its factory MSO, and importantly is one of only a very few remaining Carrera GTs that has never been registered. In absolutely as-new condition this Carrera GT is considered by many as one of the best examples in the world of a landmark in automotive engineering – a true Le Mans race car for the streets.

2015 Porsche 918 ‘Weissach’ Spyder

Hybrid or conventional powertrain, naturally aspirated or turbocharged, front- or mid-engined, V-8, V-12, or even V-16, whatever your supercar tastes should fancy, the RM Sotheby’s ICONS sale taking place 6 November has a hypercar that everyone could truly fall in love with.

ICONS: Nothing Like You’ve Ever Seen

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“Star Wars: The Last Jedi” Nissans

Six Stunning “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” Nissans Unveiled

Are you excited about “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” releasing in theaters on December 15? Why do I even ask. Of course you are! And, apparently, so is Nissan. In a new release from Nissan, the automaker shows off six special vehicles that were inspired by the upcoming Star Wars film.

2018 Nissan GT-R Pricing Announced

“We’re back this year collaborating with Lucasfilm and the artists at Industrial Light & Magic to create these amazing concept vehicles across some of our best-selling models,” said Jeremy Tucker, vice president, Marketing Communications & Media, Nissan North America, Inc. “These show vehicles were created for our fans, and will be unveiled at the Los Angeles Auto Show and shared across the country in regional auto shows over the next several months.”

Check them all out below.

2018 Nissan Rogue – Poe Dameron’s X-wing with BB-8

The Special Forces TIE Fighter is fittingly recreated using Nissan’s best-selling sedan, Altima. The vehicle’s stand out feature is the cockpit window that brings the multi-paned look of the Special Forces TIE fighter to the Altima’s windshield.

Six Stunning “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” Nissans Unveiled

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D.I. Auto Care
4747 E Elliot Rd
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Phone: (480) 233-1529
33.3479989,-111.9822456

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2019 BMW i8 Roadster and Coupe

New 2019 BMW i8 Roadster and Coupe Revealed

For both the Coupe and Roadster, the new engine’s total output is increased up to 369 horsepower when compared to the previous i8’s powerplant. BMW is putting the 0-60 mph time of the Coupe and Roadster at 4.2/4.4 seconds, respectively. Top speed of both cars is electronically limited to 155 mph.

Expect to see the sales of the new 2019 BMW i8 Coupe and Roadster started in Spring 2018.

Buy or sell your exotic car at duPontREGISTRY.com and check back with Autofluence.com for more supercar news.

New 2019 BMW i8 Roadster and Coupe Revealed

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D.I. Auto Care
4747 E Elliot Rd
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Phone: (480) 233-1529
33.3479989,-111.9822456

Auto Detailing Services (480)233-1529 Call or Text | Car Detailing Phoenix 85044

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The Clarkson Review: 2017 Ferrari GTC4Lusso

I have never read the Bible. I’ve tried, but after a few moments I lose the will to live. It’s the same story with Shakespeare. You just know that no one is going to say, “Secure the perimeter”, and that even if they did, they’d need four hours to say it. And you’d need a teacher on hand to explain what they were on about.

However, when it comes to literature that’s completely impossible to understand or digest, you cannot top a Ferrari press release. Let me give you an example from one I have here. “The sophisticated and refined cabin is designed wholly around its occupants.” Really? I thought it’d been designed partly around its occupants and partly for the tea lady’s dog.

Let’s move on to the vehicle dynamics. “The 4RM Evo system is more precise than ever. Management of front torque in particular has been improved across the board, but specifically in terms of SS4-based torque vectoring . . .”

That sort of guff may work well at a conference on industrial piping, but it’s a Ferrari we are talking about here. And there is no space in any of that world for dry engineering technobabble. Ferrari needs to understand this. I don’t need page after page of Shakespeare doing army-speak. Because the accompanying photograph is telling me so much more.

The photograph that came with this press release was of a car so beautiful, it haunted me long into the night — or, as Ferrari would put it: “Beauty itself doth of itself persuade / The eyes of men without an orator.”

It’s called the GTC4Lusso and it’s best described as a three-door sports estate. I’m a sucker for a car such as this. There’s never been a bad one. The Lancia HPE, the Volvo P1800 ES and the Reliant Scimitar (Princess Anne had one, you know). They were all tremendous, but this Ferrari trumped the lot. It was the best-looking car I’d seen.

I stuck the picture on my office wall and spent many long moments gazing at it. And I drove the production team mad by thinking up idiotic reasons why we should put it in the next series of The Grand Tour. The team would say we should do something on hatchbacks and I’d suggest the Ferrari. I suggested it for everything. And every time I was outvoted.

I can see why. This car is a replacement for the old FF, and that was rubbish. Or, as one Ferrari high-up said: “Yes, it wasn’t our finest hour.” I tested one once on a frozen lake in Sweden and could not believe how comprehensively it was beaten in every way by the much cheaper Bentley Continental GT.

“My God, this is a big car. If you want to see all of it at the same time, you need to put it in a field and walk away from it for 10 minutes”

I also couldn’t believe how needlessly complicated the four-wheel-drive system was. Because the rear wheels were powered by a shaft coming out of the back of the engine and those at the front were propelled by a shaft coming out of the front. Which meant it needed two gearboxes. After the BMW Z1’s doors, it was the most complex technical solution to a problem that simply didn’t exist. And it didn’t work.

My colleague James May knows the FF well and doesn’t believe it’s a four-wheel drive at all. He’s even been under the car and still can’t get his head round it all. He, actually, was the most determined of everyone that the FF’s replacement would not be in our show. Ever.

I tried to explain that you can have the GTC4Lusso with a V8 engine and two-wheel drive only. But it was no good. I lost the argument. And now I’m quite glad.

I borrowed the four-wheel-drive V12 version and could not wait for the day it arrived. I so wanted to see it in the flesh. To see if it was as beautiful as it had been in the picture. And I was a bit disappointed, if I’m honest, because it was parked in a small car park near my flat and I simply couldn’t get far enough away from it to take in all its lines.

But that was OK. I was off to the countryside, and there’d be lots of space there to see it in all its glory. This is true. But only just. My God, this is a big car. If you want to see all of it at the same time, you need to put it in a field and walk away from it for 10 minutes.

What’s weird is that it has broadly the same body as the terrible old FF, but just a few clever tweaks to the grille and the front wing vents and wheels have transformed it. The interior is equally sensational, perhaps because it was designed with the occupants in mind. Yes, it’s got all the usual Ferrari problems, namely the buttons for the lights, wipers and indicators are on the steering wheel, but — and I loved this — there’s a second dashboard in front of the passenger. They can choose whether they want to look at the rev counter or the sat nav or a million other things. It’s brilliant.

And the back seats? No idea. I didn’t fit. And I’ve never met anyone who would. But the boot is the most beautifully trimmed thing since Mr Bonsai woke up one day and thought: “I know . . . ”

Let’s pause for a moment now to laugh at the price. The basic version is £230,430 — of course it is — but my test car had a few extras. Apple CarPlay for £2,400, blue brake callipers for £1,178, a carbon-fibre sill cover for £4,992 and a glass roof for — drum roll —£11,520. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

“The boot is the most beautifully trimmed thing since Mr Bonsai woke up one day and thought: ‘I know . . . ‘”

So what’s it like to drive? Not as exciting as you might imagine, actually. Of course, with a 6.3-litre V12 engine, it’s not sluggish, and it’s a Ferrari so it’s not sloppy either. But it’s not exceptional. It doesn’t cause the hairs on the back of your neck to tingle. Ever. It doesn’t even make a particularly tuneful noise.

That said, in town it’s docile and quiet, unlike all the people behind you, who are angry and honking because you’re having to back up again because your car’s too wide to fit through anything except perhaps a desert.

I understand, naturally, that if you are a fully paid-up member of the St Moritz Eurotrash set and you need a Ferrari because it’s part of the uniform, it’d be tempting to buy a GTC4Lusso. Because it has four-wheel drive. But I’ve never been to a ski resort where this would fit. Aspen maybe, but only just, even there.

And if you don’t live in a ski resort, why would you want a four-wheel-drive system that only really works at 4mph on snow? You wouldn’t. You’d have the two-wheel-drive V8 version. But that is the same size, so we are back to square one. There are few places on earth a car this big works. Dubai, Los Angeles and, er …

It’s probably best, then, not to think of it as a car at all. But as a garden ornament. The most beautiful piece of sculpture of all time. That’s what I’d do: save money on the extras and spend it instead on a plinth.

Head to head: Ferrari GTC4Lusso v Bentley Continental GT Supersport

	Ferrari GTC4Lusso	Bentley Continental Gt Supersport
Price	£230,430	£212,500
Power	680bhp	700bhp
Fuel	18.8mpg	18.0mpg
0-62mph	3.4sec	3.5sec

 

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